Social Media is a wonderful, wonderful thing. For me, it’s been wonderful because 1) I get to keep in touch with family and friends and 2) it has allowed me to have an unlimited supply of information and support from thousands of other Moms of Multiples. Over the last two years since getting to know these moms, I have noticed topics like “How do I feed all three when all three are crying?”, “do I separate them for naps?”, or “for those of you who haven’t purchased this, do it!”.
I am shocked, however, by the amount of topics that we discuss involving rude comments and questions from other people. Some of are from strangers, some of them are friends and family. Most of the time, the things people say to me when I am out with my trio are very positive and helpful. I understand that triplets are rare and people are generally just curious but I always feel like a freak-show when we are out. I think most parent’s of multiples do.
Let me paint a picture of a “simple” trip to the grocery store: You pull into the lot and drive around for a minute to see if you can find the unicorn-cart with 3-4 child seats. With no luck, you park and mentally prepare for the physical stamina you are about to need to get through this outing. You unload the double stroller, load 2/3 babies, and carry the third. Once in the store, you put the third baby in the cart and pull the stroller behind you. This is where you put on a grin because you see everybody staring at you and pointing and you pray to all that is holy that your babies remain well-behaved. There is nothing worse than being in public with multiples during a multiple-meltdown.
You go straight to the produce section and immediately get stopped. “Boy, your hands are full!” comment #1. Smile. Nod. You don’t even make it to the deli before you’ve heard that at least 3 more times. Next, you’re browsing the bread aisle when a stranger stops you. “Triplets!? Are they natural? UGH GOD BLESS YOU because I’d kill myself”. Smile. Nod. Move along. In the next aisle, you get stopped again and asked the same questions with an added “Ugh, I bet you were HUGE” comment.
You then look around and see people whispering and pointing at you. You ignore it and move on. Every person to pass you says something under their breath like “poor thing” or “oh my God, triplets!”. Then you get blocked in the frozen section by a group of women who all make the same comments, all while touching your babies, taking pictures of them, and nosing through the items in your cart. While you are trying to navigate politely out of that situation, a mom with ONE child strolls around you with the unicorn cart.
Then your babies start getting fussy because, heaven forbid, you’ve stopped moving and somebody else says laughingly “boy, your hands are full” while watching you struggle getting the large box of diapers under the cart. No offer to help….just laughing at your expense and amused by your struggle. This is just the first 10 minutes of your outing and you are already contemplating what you can cross off your grocery list so you can get the heck out of there. Can you see how maybe this may add to the frustration of these comments. After dealing with this crap for an hour, any normal person would snap!
I am not joking when I say that about 50-85% of the time, depending on the MoM you ask, the things that people say are unbelievably rude. In the beginning, I would just get completely tongue-tied when people said ignorant things to me but I would always take a step back and think “am I just being sensitive or did this jack-ass really just say that to me?”
It blows my mind that these same things come out of so many mouths! So, I’ve compiled a list of the main comments and questions we hear on the regular. I think “do people not know how offensive/insensitive that can be to say to somebody?” Because of the HUGE amounts of people who say these things…I’m thinking no.
A fellow triplet mom published a list pretty similar to mine a while back. I couldn’t believe the amount of comments from people calling her “ungrateful” for her blessings and saying things like “you can’t say anything to anybody anymore without offending them”. Let me be clear with my intentions here: I am beyond grateful for my triplets. They are my life. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t get offended by REALLY personal questions or comments from strangers. There is no way I can rationalize why strangers should think it’s okay to ask me specific sexual positions that my husband and I “used” to conceive triplets (yes, I’ve been asked this more than once).
If you read the rest of my posts, you will see that I am very light-hearted about life with triplets. I am not a negative person. That being said, it is CRAZY how many people say these things to us. If you are about to become a parent to multiples, read this list and start practicing your responses. You will hear these things almost daily.
Here are some of the things you should NEVER say to a mom of multiples:
1) Are they natural?
This is probably the most common question we get. Some people get REALLY offended by this. I think it’s the word “natural” that rubs us the wrong way. Nope, our babies are robots. I don’t get offended, but I can see how one might. I don’t get offended because I can see how people are just curious since multiples, especially triplets, aren’t super common and it’s a natural first response to ask. But imagine if somebody asked you that. Is it anybody’s business how you conceived? Stop.
When I get asked this, I immediately clam up because I don’t know how to answer. It would take several minutes to try to explain how my triplets “happened”. It’s easier for me to just smile and say “yes” instead of divulge into my infertility struggle and my luck to not have to do IVF that was planned next…..just one round of Clomid to help ovulate. For many of us, it has been years of struggle. Lots of money and tears spent. In that respect, I am very fortunate I needed little (but still some) help. But you see how that instantly gets weird? I’m now telling some random lady at the grocery store about my inability to ovulate. Awesome.
2) OMG! I’d kill myself/shoot myself/jump off a bridge/sucks to be you/I’ll pray for you…
This one does piss me off. We get this ALL THE TIME! Seriously? I can’t say “seriously” enough. One more. SERIOUSLY? Every time somebody says this to me my blood boils. How do I even respond to that? These are my children and I can’t imagine life without them. I have learned to just smile and say “don’t be sorry for me, it’s awesome” or “nobody’s stopping you”. What’s worse: when people say this in FRONT of your kids who can fully understand what they are saying. MoMs with older multiples say there is nothing like one of your kids asking “Mommy, why would that lady kill herself if we were her kids?” instantly breaking your heart. Explain that one….I’ll take the Birds and Bees talk over that any day!
3) Better you than me.
This is in the same group as number two…but it deserves its own spot on the list because of the amount of times this is said. Again, I just say “YUP! I agree! I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing and you obviously wouldn’t be able to handle it!” as I shimmy down to the wine/beer aisle. (Think Dirty Dancing when Baby is dancing up and down the stairs to and from lessons…that’s me)
4) Can I take a picture?
Ummmmmm….no, strange man in parking lot, you cannot take pictures of my 1-year-old babies. Hey, at least he asked, right? Most do not. They just start snapping pictures. They don’t even try to hide it. The drive-by pics are the best. “Wow look, honey! TRIPLETS! Let’s slam on our brakes in the middle of the road and stop traffic so I can roll down my window and get a picture!” You people need to get out more. I’ve started to take pictures back. When somebody whips out there phones and start taking pictures, I do the same! “Oh, what? Is it not okay that I take pictures of you? You were snapping away at my kids so I thought we were just all taking pictures. My bad.” They get the idea pretty quickly after that.
5) Did you/do you breast feed?
This question is a trap. It is a lose/lose. If you did, you get roped into a conversation about how “breast is best” and if you didn’t you are lectured about how awful formula is for babies. I have tried to explain myself: “I tried, they were 2.5 months early so my milk never fully came in, they each got donor milk from the NICU as well as much as mine that I could get, the stress of the NICU made my supply non-existent, I stopped pumping to get my life back after a month once I realized I would never be able to feed all three, bla, bla, BLAH!” Again….my boobs, my business. People, please stop asking strangers this question.
6) I have three kids under the age of 4. That’s pretty much the same, if not harder.
……..sorry I had to wait for my eyes to roll ALLLLL the way back. This is one of the worst. If you ask one of the moms in these groups that had singleton babies as well as multiples, they will throat-punch you. I don’t need to go into how much harder triplets are compared to having three spread out…..but for certain things! In some ways, three separate babies would be harder!
A good example would be night feedings. With two children, say, 1.5 years apart, the older child is most-likely sleeping through the night. The newborn that you just brought home is eating every 2.5-3 hours. So the newborn cries, you get up, feed the baby, and go back to sleep for another 2.5-3 hours.
With triplet newborns each eating every 2.5-3 hours it gets a lot trickier! One starts to stir because they are hungry. Do you intercept before he/she wakes the others? Do you wake them all to feed them? Nothing is worse than feeding one baby with two other babies screaming because they are hungry and you are busy. Then you have to decide which in is next and who will have to wait longer. Each baby can take 30-45 minutes each to eat. So by the time you are done feeding all three, throw the bottles in the sink, and ready to crawl back into bed, you’ve got maybe 30 minutes before the first one will be hungry again and you get to start all over.
Every mom has challenges in different ways whether you have one kid or ten of them! For me, this comment is so ridiculous. Not because it’s not true but more because it annoys me that parenting is a competition for attention. Like “I have it wayyy harder than you”. We call these the Mompetitors. They are lurking around every corner and are often your “friends”. They will take every opportunity to cut you down and minimize your experience. The. Worst! These Mompetitors are also the ones that often say this next one:
7) You’re SO LUCKY you just had the one pregnancy!
This is probably the one that stabs me the deepest. Yes, I feel so lucky to have had these three. They are the best thing to ever happen to me. But, from day one you get to deal with this: you are now high-risk. This pregnancy is DANGEROUS for you and the babies. Everything is x 3: the morning sickness, the exhaustion, you are huge immediately (three babies, three placentas, three times the about of blood in your body), doctors visits every week, financial worries, is my house big enough, what car seats fit three across, medical bills,…..that’s the obvious stuff.
What comes later: doctors advising you to “let one of them go” to get the other two farther along, how much time are they going to spend in the NICU, how many steroid shots can I get to help develop their lungs as much as possible, hospital bedrest with monitors tied to you 24/7 where you can’t move an inch.
After the birth: phone calls from the NICU at 2am, IVs, breathing machines, monitors, feeding tubes, surgeries, code blues and seeing 20 people run to your babies side to resuscitate, infections, almost-deaths, not being able to be with your babies, brain-bleeds, eye problems, heart problems, the constant “what if”….this list is endless and goes on and on for months. Up to 4.5 months for me and my family.
There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for seeing your baby/babies fight to live and there is nothing you can do. You feel extreme pain and guilt that you couldn’t “cook” them longer. Many moms of multiples have (diagnosed or undiagnosed) PTSD from their experience with the pregnancy and NICU. SO when people say this to me, it hurts beyond belief. I would give anything to have had three, separate, full-term, healthy babies. Again, Mompetitors, stop.
8 ) So you’re done having kids, right?
I don’t get this often, but it is surprisingly common. My husband just told me he gets this one a lot from his patients. When I see this topic posted on the pages, I think about my grandmother (she had 11 kids) and laugh at how she would have reacted. For some reason, a mom that had 5 kids separately is way less kids than having three at once. I’m horrible at math, but I’m pretty sure that makes zero sense. None. Also, a woman is fully capable of deciding with her partner and family how many kids they should and should not have.
I could go on and on with more questions and comments, but I’ll stop with these top 8. Would these things offend you? Like I said, most of the time I get positive and helpful comments when out in public. I welcome conversations with strangers! In fact, it’s often the ONLY adult interaction I get all day! However, having so many people say these things to me daily over the last couple of years has sure made me way more conscious about things that I say and how it may impact somebody. I think that part of the frustration from these comments is that they happen so frequently that it makes going out with our babies stressful. We have to add an hour on to a “simple” trip to Target just to deal with strangers cornering us in every aisle, touching, taking pictures, nosing through our carts, and asking questions just so we can turn the corner to the next aisle and do it all again. I hope that, one day, I will be able to go to the store without being asked about my ovulation schedule by strangers. Until then, I will continue to smile, nod, and move along.
Cynthia says
Mom of GGG here- it’s great to have someone write out what I feel. I appreciate this. It’s a whirlwind roller coaster life we lead with trips. Wouldn’t jump off for anything, though, I wouldn’t say no to a tiny break here and there. Thanks again
admin says
Cynthia, you got that right! It sure is wild but I love every second. We are very lucky! Thank you for reading!